Setting the PACE...

So it's been a while since I've posted... I've learned a lot by my own life experiences and by reading a few dating articles here and there.

The one thought that has resonated with me lately is allowing the man be the man.  There are times where the woman will get frustrated because they are not comfortable about the certainty of where a relationship may be headed. 

Hindsight, vision is truly 20/20.  If a guy is interested, you know.  He calls, he texts, he emails, and he wants to know when the next time he will see you.  If a guy is not interested, you know too.  He doesn't call, text, or email.  There is that silence.  Fortunately for me, I haven't really had to deal with too much of that scenario.   Nevertheless, the signs are there.  If he's not into you, he's not into you!  See the signs.  I think girls get antsy if they like the guy and the guy doesn't return the feeling.  So she ends up calling, texting, etc.  It's no good!  Such a turn off for many men.  So, don't do it!  Just move on!

When I'm not interested in a guy, I get turned off too when they call, text, or emails too much.  But I do the dutiful thing by letting the guy know right away that I am not intersted.  So there is no mystery with me.  Only a few times have I just "disappeared" and not responded at all.  A lot of times, guys don't know how to handle that situation in reverse.   They still pick up that phone call or texts girls back randomly.  Why do that?  Seriously...   Be clear & concise.  It prevents a messy situation in the future.

I'm no saint in all this.  I've made my share of mistakes of returning texts or picking up calls when I was not interested just because I was bored.  I've learned over time that in the long run, it's better to cut your loses early.  I've dragged on relationships or dates for that matter because I enjoyed the attention or because I didn't want to deal with the "break up" talk.  But in the end, if there is no future, what good is that momentary pleasure?

I've learned a lot.  Mostly to let the guy set the pace in the relationship.  Yes, there are times where the girls gives a guy an ultimatum and they married happily ever after.  Yes, there are times when the girl sets the pace and it turned out fine.  But my beliefs is to let man be the man... if it's going too fast, as a women you can put on the breaks.  But a woman can not rush a man to feel any different than what he currently does.

I say enjoy the dating process, have fun, and you never know... you will meet that Mr. Right when least expected!  Dating is about meeting new people, trying new things, and learning to grow in how we relate to other people out there.  There will be MANY failed dates before you meet the right one, so why not have fun in the process?  With this new outlook, I was able to meet people of various backgrounds.  While I know someone amazing is out there for me, I'm going to enjoy life and the thing called "dating!"

sigh....

I had a weird dream about getting surgery. It was scary and I am so glad that it was a dream.... thankful for my health.

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Different mind set

It's about having an attitude of "gratitude."  At least that's what I learned in this week's sermon. :) 

So reading a book by Henry Cloud...and well it's a different approach than most Christian philosophers.  Dating is a way in which we learn about ourselves and learning how to relate with others.  It's also an opportunity to serve others.  Wow.  With that new approach, I definitely can have more of a positive outlook toward dating as for most people it can be pretty exhausting!   In essence, I love meeting new people and getting to know them and developing new & wonderful relationships.  Although, dates can be a one shot deal, you still can learn a lot from people.  Why people are the way they are... how they became that way...what affects them.  It's all really interesting.  Anyway, I hope that this refresh my energy and outlook toward it all.  It's a small part of life yet we at times focus TOO much on it.... I'm probably guilty of that at times. 

Recently, I've been focusing on other personal projects that's been MORE healthy:  decluttering, exercising, and building on my hobbies. :)  It's been fun.  Who knows what 2011 will bring as it is right around the corner!!!

The Update

Lesson learned... I always knew that what you experience on the phone versus in person can be so different.  At the same time, I did sense "something" in terms of knowing that it just would not work out.

One can get overwhelmed when someone is too forward or expressive about their feelings BEFORE they even meet you...

When you are so easily smitten, it's a sign of eagerness and desperation.... and sir, that is NOT attractive.  I hope that I never come off like that to anyone.  If so, I would not blame them for running the other way.

For me, if you try too hard, say too much too soon, it will push me toward a different direction.  That is what I realized about myself.

Also sadly, weight does matter... it reflects their lifestyle.  If someone is overweight it tells me a few things:

1. They are not active enough
2. They don't care about their health.
3. Food sort of consumes their life.
4. They don't care about their looks.

I have issues with food...that I'm constantly working on.  But I would say I'm average weight, not overweight.  I think someone is overweight when they have a belly...and that is the worst kind of unhealthy weight.

Having a desk job, I feel my butt getting numb & wide and this is NOT a good thing.  I'm always happy to get up and walk around.  Always thinking, how can I get out of this chair and move today????

My version of FML

After all that I've gone thru this year, only I would start talking to someone who not only lives long distance, but is still in school... FML.

A Broken Year

It's already mid October...can't believe it.  The holidays are rolling in...and I feel exhausted in the dating scene.  I should just really stop and take a break.   Maybe it's my personality that I just don't like to "wait" or feel like I'm wasting time. I don't like the idea of just letting time pass... and it's mainly because I'm getting older.  When I was in my 20's I don't remember thinking this way. 

I really should stay single til the new year... 2011...

This year was a disastrous year of break-ups and disappointments to say the least.  I'd "hope...." only to have the sad and bleak ending.  sigh.  Granted I'm the one doing most of the walking away...it's still really sad for me...  It's not easy making such decision and it's tougher having that "talk."

I'd say it's been a crazy year.  I really don't know where all the time has gone.  I don't feel I accomplished much tangibly except to say that I've stretched myself in ways I never thought I could and would. 

I hope that this year's past experience will have brought me some clarity and understanding of the opposite sex and of myself.  I feel that I understand better of who would be a good fit for me, who I'd be attracted to, who'd bring out the best in me...  I feel that I learned to be a better person overall from this year's lessons.  Or I'd put to practice the art of patience, acceptance, and respect by meeting different types of people.  I've learned to accept others as they are, not trying to change them and not demanding things that I really shouldn't be.  Is it possible that I've become a less demanding and stubborn person?  That I have grown to learn to accept men as they are? 

Instead of demanding, I just walk away.  I wonder tho, is that better or worse?  I walk away because I realize that there is no long term future.  I walk away because I realize that I will never accept the big picture of the situation.  I walk away because I know there is someone better for them, someone who will love & accept them without them changing.  I walk away because I know I can not change my situation.  Lately, I've been doing a lot of walking away.  I've been in tears a few... and now... I just feel numb.

How have I stretched myself or changed you ask?

• I don't ask for things...aka I don't demand
• I don't expect much, I enjoy the company & time spent with a smile ;)
• I have been more patient and understanding
• I have learned to not let little things get to me (if they are late, they are late)
• I dated outside my ethnicity - trying to learn the similarities and differences
• I've been more open minded in dating and meeting new people
• I've also been more picky in dating (sort of contradictory to the previous one but it's true!)
• I know when to say no
• I've learned to walk away sooner than later...



Very Last Date

I am seriously flawed... and I must have issues.  So after the "talk," Mr. Young and I still decided to hang out one more time (mainly so that I can give him a gift that I got from my recent travels and he also wanted me to come out to hang with his brother & friends originally that fateful night). 

I will say it was one of the most funnest dates that we had to this date.  Isn't it crazy that I felt most like a couple on our very last date than any other?

So we went to eat dinner at this posh Asian fusion restaurant.  We both liked our dish and we talked about this and that.  We planned to meet up with his brother & his friends at a local Irish pub where his brother's friend was singing in a band.  We had a few drinks, mingled, and basically danced the night away as the cover band played til 1:30am.  It was funny because I was the shortest of the crew.  The guys were 6'4, 6'5, 6'7 and 6'6.  I felt so short....I thought: "so this is how it feels to be short.  Everything looks so different."  Lol.  It was quite an experience.  It was fun to hang out with his brother & friends... I was happy to be dancing, singing along, and pretending that this wasn't going to be our last date. 

We spent our last hours talking and just enjoying each other's company.  Neither of us talked about how it would be the last time we'd see each other or how sad we were until the very last hour. 

I gave him a pouty face. =(
As he said, "Don't be sad."
me: "Why? Because you are not sad?"
Mr. young: "No, I'm sad too. But it's easier b/c we know it is the best thing for both of us."
I sadly nodded in agreement. 

It's funny because eventhough I'm the one that ended it, it felt a bit like he ended it because I more emotional about it.  I try to keep it in and not show it too much because who wants to sulking to be the last memory?  In the end it was easier for me too because I could see that he accepted and understood the situation.  My fear was hurting him, but to know that I didn't to the degree that I feared, I was relieved.  He made it so easy for me to walk away because he was so understanding and mature about it.  I guess we both knew the fate of this relationship but we had still wanted to try to see where it could go (hoping for a fairy tale ending).  I just didn't want to get more attached and lead him on when I knew that it would have to end. 

Our last night was a fun night to remember.  I haven't danced like that in awhile.  I haven't let myself go in that way in awhile.  We enjoyed the night for what it was with no regrets.  Who knew that a dating affair could end so well?   Our mutual care and understanding of the situation made it so much easier to bare.  I do miss him ...but I will do my best to make a clean cut break because we all know that is the "best" thing to do...

So Mr. Young, thank you and good bye.  May you accomplish all that you have set out to do...as you deserve the very best~

Breaking up is hard to do...

So last night, I had the talk... of course it was awkward.  Of course it was uncomfortable, sad, and heart breaking.  It was one of the worse ones this year.

After my long term break up ~ tears & pain.  I had 3 minor endings.  One was with a complete douche bag who just wanted to get into my pants after just one date.  Second one was Mr. Paper perfect ~ after 5 dates ~ I didn't want to force what wasn't there ~ chemistry.  My third ...least favorite to end, Mr. Young who we dated for 3 months~ so sweet and adorable. 

I was nervous, I was anxious, and I was stressed that I had to have the "talk."  He knew... as he said, "just take your time...and say what you need to say..."

So I spilled everything of how much I liked him, cared for him, adored him...but our life stages were too far apart for me to make it work.  I just couldn't see myself being that patient, accepting and understanding.  I wish things were different...but then we'd be different.  If I was 5 years younger it would not be a problem.  If he was older & more established... but the reality is, this is what it is. 

I was afraid of hurting him.  (I even got teary eyed when I was sharing with my girlfriends about this dilemma.)  I was afraid that he'd be angry or that he'd hate me.  But he was so understanding... so mature about it all.   He said he understood the risks when we went into it.  I reminded him of our last conversation when I told him I could not promise anything...and this was the conclusion that came out of it.  He shared how he knew we were both thinking about our situation and that it was good that I was able to bring it up b/c both of us was ignoring the issue.  He was sweet to say that I was "over qualified" that he should date people who aren't ready like I am to settle down... to find my "prince charming."  I laughed when he said "prince charming."  Is my prince charming really out there?

He said with some regret that perhaps he should not have called me and that he should have left it as is when we first ended it.  But because he missed me that he wanted to call and see me... and that he wanted to continue to date.  (Deep down I think he knew I couldn't wait for him...)

Regardless, he was calm, understanding, and accepting about my decision for our relationship.  He said he accepted the situation...eventhough he did want to continue our relationship to see where it could go.  For me, I didn't want to lead him on to believe that things can really happen when I knew he deserved to be with someone that could give him more than I could.  He joked that when he finishes school and gets a million dollar job that he'd call me.  Lol.  Perhaps, he'd be my back up.  I joked with him about it all ~ in 5 years if I'm still single.  (But let's all hope that I'm not single then! EEK.)

It was hard to end the conversation b/c we really cared about each other.  He took it all so well that it made me wonder if he already knew how it would end....  He will be dearly missed but I know this is for the best.  I wish him the best in life as he is one of the sweetest guys I know.  Mr. Young~ thank you for the memories and giving me hope that there are nice guys out there still~

Being Attached

There are many ways that one can be attached to their dating partner~ emotional or physical.  I've been at both places and I think emotional is definitely the hardest.

So right now in my life... realizing how hard it is to disappoint someone (or reject someone).  It's so much easier to write an email to someone I went out on one date vs. talking to someone on the phone after several dates.  I'm learning the hard way.  So much easier when I know from the beginning that it will not work out.  As hard it is to believe, it's easier to break up with someone that is your bf than someone you are just dating.  Isn't that weird?  I think for me it's b/c with a bf, there are MAJOR issues that ensues before the break up.  With someone that you are dating, it's more b/c you are not into them to even be your boyfriend.  So the conversation is awkward and stressful.

I had to have this conversation about 2 months ago with Mr. Paper Perfect.  He appreciated my honesty, but I felt so sick in the stomach afterwards.  I've never had that type of conversation until that night.

I am planning on having this type of conversation with Mr. Young very soon.  I tried.  I gave it what I could give him...and I realized that it will never work.  He deserves so much more than what I can give him now.  We are from 2 different worlds.... 2 different life stage that I can't imagine being satisfied.  (He doesn't have enough to offer to the life I have now and the relationship experience to make me feel fulfilled.)   If I was 5 years younger, I would have the time to pursue it...and we'd be on a more similar page.  But the reality is ... I'm 5 years older, not much time to explore or wait. 

He needs more life experience for me to feel connected to him and have that understanding...and to be honest we are missing that.  He is sweet and good.  He is doing everything to progress this relationship forward and have invited me to meet his older brother.  (Sigh) We have amazing physical chemistry, but we all know we need more than that to build a future.  Therefore, I must do what I must before I get in too deep.  I pray he will forgive me...  to disappoint or hurt someone in this way is one of the hardest thing to do.  I hope I won't have to do this again for a loooooooong time.

The Dating Game: Mr. Text

So I must have been out of the dating scene for a quite a while because the dating game has completely changed.  Instead of calling, boys now just text you.  UGH!  I was so annoyed the first few times and when I hear stories of guys asking girls if they have facebook... more UGH!  Really?  My rule is if I'm just dating you, I won't be your facebook friend.  If you want to be just friends, sure why not?

I give an online guy my number for him to call me last week, instead I get a text:

Hi, This is Mr. Text.  I just wanted to drop u a line and say hello.  Hope your day is going well, ttyl.

Seriously?  I mean, might as well continue emailing me if you are going to text me.  Sigh.  As you can tell, I just don't respond well to texts as initial form of phone conversation.  PICK UP THE PHONE!!!  This is an advice to all guys: we want to have a real conversation, hear your voice, so please dial the number, not text some stupid greeting.

Perhaps it's just me that feels this way because I was venting to a group of girlfriends and they said that's just how it is now.  More sigh~  I mean, really???

SO NOW, I either have to adapt to this new dating rule or continue to blow off guys that chooses to text over calling.  I am soooo annoyed.

Have you met someone who chooses to text over phone all the time?