sigh....

I had a weird dream about getting surgery. It was scary and I am so glad that it was a dream.... thankful for my health.

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Different mind set

It's about having an attitude of "gratitude."  At least that's what I learned in this week's sermon. :) 

So reading a book by Henry Cloud...and well it's a different approach than most Christian philosophers.  Dating is a way in which we learn about ourselves and learning how to relate with others.  It's also an opportunity to serve others.  Wow.  With that new approach, I definitely can have more of a positive outlook toward dating as for most people it can be pretty exhausting!   In essence, I love meeting new people and getting to know them and developing new & wonderful relationships.  Although, dates can be a one shot deal, you still can learn a lot from people.  Why people are the way they are... how they became that way...what affects them.  It's all really interesting.  Anyway, I hope that this refresh my energy and outlook toward it all.  It's a small part of life yet we at times focus TOO much on it.... I'm probably guilty of that at times. 

Recently, I've been focusing on other personal projects that's been MORE healthy:  decluttering, exercising, and building on my hobbies. :)  It's been fun.  Who knows what 2011 will bring as it is right around the corner!!!

The Update

Lesson learned... I always knew that what you experience on the phone versus in person can be so different.  At the same time, I did sense "something" in terms of knowing that it just would not work out.

One can get overwhelmed when someone is too forward or expressive about their feelings BEFORE they even meet you...

When you are so easily smitten, it's a sign of eagerness and desperation.... and sir, that is NOT attractive.  I hope that I never come off like that to anyone.  If so, I would not blame them for running the other way.

For me, if you try too hard, say too much too soon, it will push me toward a different direction.  That is what I realized about myself.

Also sadly, weight does matter... it reflects their lifestyle.  If someone is overweight it tells me a few things:

1. They are not active enough
2. They don't care about their health.
3. Food sort of consumes their life.
4. They don't care about their looks.

I have issues with food...that I'm constantly working on.  But I would say I'm average weight, not overweight.  I think someone is overweight when they have a belly...and that is the worst kind of unhealthy weight.

Having a desk job, I feel my butt getting numb & wide and this is NOT a good thing.  I'm always happy to get up and walk around.  Always thinking, how can I get out of this chair and move today????

My version of FML

After all that I've gone thru this year, only I would start talking to someone who not only lives long distance, but is still in school... FML.

A Broken Year

It's already mid October...can't believe it.  The holidays are rolling in...and I feel exhausted in the dating scene.  I should just really stop and take a break.   Maybe it's my personality that I just don't like to "wait" or feel like I'm wasting time. I don't like the idea of just letting time pass... and it's mainly because I'm getting older.  When I was in my 20's I don't remember thinking this way. 

I really should stay single til the new year... 2011...

This year was a disastrous year of break-ups and disappointments to say the least.  I'd "hope...." only to have the sad and bleak ending.  sigh.  Granted I'm the one doing most of the walking away...it's still really sad for me...  It's not easy making such decision and it's tougher having that "talk."

I'd say it's been a crazy year.  I really don't know where all the time has gone.  I don't feel I accomplished much tangibly except to say that I've stretched myself in ways I never thought I could and would. 

I hope that this year's past experience will have brought me some clarity and understanding of the opposite sex and of myself.  I feel that I understand better of who would be a good fit for me, who I'd be attracted to, who'd bring out the best in me...  I feel that I learned to be a better person overall from this year's lessons.  Or I'd put to practice the art of patience, acceptance, and respect by meeting different types of people.  I've learned to accept others as they are, not trying to change them and not demanding things that I really shouldn't be.  Is it possible that I've become a less demanding and stubborn person?  That I have grown to learn to accept men as they are? 

Instead of demanding, I just walk away.  I wonder tho, is that better or worse?  I walk away because I realize that there is no long term future.  I walk away because I realize that I will never accept the big picture of the situation.  I walk away because I know there is someone better for them, someone who will love & accept them without them changing.  I walk away because I know I can not change my situation.  Lately, I've been doing a lot of walking away.  I've been in tears a few... and now... I just feel numb.

How have I stretched myself or changed you ask?

• I don't ask for things...aka I don't demand
• I don't expect much, I enjoy the company & time spent with a smile ;)
• I have been more patient and understanding
• I have learned to not let little things get to me (if they are late, they are late)
• I dated outside my ethnicity - trying to learn the similarities and differences
• I've been more open minded in dating and meeting new people
• I've also been more picky in dating (sort of contradictory to the previous one but it's true!)
• I know when to say no
• I've learned to walk away sooner than later...



Very Last Date

I am seriously flawed... and I must have issues.  So after the "talk," Mr. Young and I still decided to hang out one more time (mainly so that I can give him a gift that I got from my recent travels and he also wanted me to come out to hang with his brother & friends originally that fateful night). 

I will say it was one of the most funnest dates that we had to this date.  Isn't it crazy that I felt most like a couple on our very last date than any other?

So we went to eat dinner at this posh Asian fusion restaurant.  We both liked our dish and we talked about this and that.  We planned to meet up with his brother & his friends at a local Irish pub where his brother's friend was singing in a band.  We had a few drinks, mingled, and basically danced the night away as the cover band played til 1:30am.  It was funny because I was the shortest of the crew.  The guys were 6'4, 6'5, 6'7 and 6'6.  I felt so short....I thought: "so this is how it feels to be short.  Everything looks so different."  Lol.  It was quite an experience.  It was fun to hang out with his brother & friends... I was happy to be dancing, singing along, and pretending that this wasn't going to be our last date. 

We spent our last hours talking and just enjoying each other's company.  Neither of us talked about how it would be the last time we'd see each other or how sad we were until the very last hour. 

I gave him a pouty face. =(
As he said, "Don't be sad."
me: "Why? Because you are not sad?"
Mr. young: "No, I'm sad too. But it's easier b/c we know it is the best thing for both of us."
I sadly nodded in agreement. 

It's funny because eventhough I'm the one that ended it, it felt a bit like he ended it because I more emotional about it.  I try to keep it in and not show it too much because who wants to sulking to be the last memory?  In the end it was easier for me too because I could see that he accepted and understood the situation.  My fear was hurting him, but to know that I didn't to the degree that I feared, I was relieved.  He made it so easy for me to walk away because he was so understanding and mature about it.  I guess we both knew the fate of this relationship but we had still wanted to try to see where it could go (hoping for a fairy tale ending).  I just didn't want to get more attached and lead him on when I knew that it would have to end. 

Our last night was a fun night to remember.  I haven't danced like that in awhile.  I haven't let myself go in that way in awhile.  We enjoyed the night for what it was with no regrets.  Who knew that a dating affair could end so well?   Our mutual care and understanding of the situation made it so much easier to bare.  I do miss him ...but I will do my best to make a clean cut break because we all know that is the "best" thing to do...

So Mr. Young, thank you and good bye.  May you accomplish all that you have set out to do...as you deserve the very best~

Breaking up is hard to do...

So last night, I had the talk... of course it was awkward.  Of course it was uncomfortable, sad, and heart breaking.  It was one of the worse ones this year.

After my long term break up ~ tears & pain.  I had 3 minor endings.  One was with a complete douche bag who just wanted to get into my pants after just one date.  Second one was Mr. Paper perfect ~ after 5 dates ~ I didn't want to force what wasn't there ~ chemistry.  My third ...least favorite to end, Mr. Young who we dated for 3 months~ so sweet and adorable. 

I was nervous, I was anxious, and I was stressed that I had to have the "talk."  He knew... as he said, "just take your time...and say what you need to say..."

So I spilled everything of how much I liked him, cared for him, adored him...but our life stages were too far apart for me to make it work.  I just couldn't see myself being that patient, accepting and understanding.  I wish things were different...but then we'd be different.  If I was 5 years younger it would not be a problem.  If he was older & more established... but the reality is, this is what it is. 

I was afraid of hurting him.  (I even got teary eyed when I was sharing with my girlfriends about this dilemma.)  I was afraid that he'd be angry or that he'd hate me.  But he was so understanding... so mature about it all.   He said he understood the risks when we went into it.  I reminded him of our last conversation when I told him I could not promise anything...and this was the conclusion that came out of it.  He shared how he knew we were both thinking about our situation and that it was good that I was able to bring it up b/c both of us was ignoring the issue.  He was sweet to say that I was "over qualified" that he should date people who aren't ready like I am to settle down... to find my "prince charming."  I laughed when he said "prince charming."  Is my prince charming really out there?

He said with some regret that perhaps he should not have called me and that he should have left it as is when we first ended it.  But because he missed me that he wanted to call and see me... and that he wanted to continue to date.  (Deep down I think he knew I couldn't wait for him...)

Regardless, he was calm, understanding, and accepting about my decision for our relationship.  He said he accepted the situation...eventhough he did want to continue our relationship to see where it could go.  For me, I didn't want to lead him on to believe that things can really happen when I knew he deserved to be with someone that could give him more than I could.  He joked that when he finishes school and gets a million dollar job that he'd call me.  Lol.  Perhaps, he'd be my back up.  I joked with him about it all ~ in 5 years if I'm still single.  (But let's all hope that I'm not single then! EEK.)

It was hard to end the conversation b/c we really cared about each other.  He took it all so well that it made me wonder if he already knew how it would end....  He will be dearly missed but I know this is for the best.  I wish him the best in life as he is one of the sweetest guys I know.  Mr. Young~ thank you for the memories and giving me hope that there are nice guys out there still~

Being Attached

There are many ways that one can be attached to their dating partner~ emotional or physical.  I've been at both places and I think emotional is definitely the hardest.

So right now in my life... realizing how hard it is to disappoint someone (or reject someone).  It's so much easier to write an email to someone I went out on one date vs. talking to someone on the phone after several dates.  I'm learning the hard way.  So much easier when I know from the beginning that it will not work out.  As hard it is to believe, it's easier to break up with someone that is your bf than someone you are just dating.  Isn't that weird?  I think for me it's b/c with a bf, there are MAJOR issues that ensues before the break up.  With someone that you are dating, it's more b/c you are not into them to even be your boyfriend.  So the conversation is awkward and stressful.

I had to have this conversation about 2 months ago with Mr. Paper Perfect.  He appreciated my honesty, but I felt so sick in the stomach afterwards.  I've never had that type of conversation until that night.

I am planning on having this type of conversation with Mr. Young very soon.  I tried.  I gave it what I could give him...and I realized that it will never work.  He deserves so much more than what I can give him now.  We are from 2 different worlds.... 2 different life stage that I can't imagine being satisfied.  (He doesn't have enough to offer to the life I have now and the relationship experience to make me feel fulfilled.)   If I was 5 years younger, I would have the time to pursue it...and we'd be on a more similar page.  But the reality is ... I'm 5 years older, not much time to explore or wait. 

He needs more life experience for me to feel connected to him and have that understanding...and to be honest we are missing that.  He is sweet and good.  He is doing everything to progress this relationship forward and have invited me to meet his older brother.  (Sigh) We have amazing physical chemistry, but we all know we need more than that to build a future.  Therefore, I must do what I must before I get in too deep.  I pray he will forgive me...  to disappoint or hurt someone in this way is one of the hardest thing to do.  I hope I won't have to do this again for a loooooooong time.

The Dating Game: Mr. Text

So I must have been out of the dating scene for a quite a while because the dating game has completely changed.  Instead of calling, boys now just text you.  UGH!  I was so annoyed the first few times and when I hear stories of guys asking girls if they have facebook... more UGH!  Really?  My rule is if I'm just dating you, I won't be your facebook friend.  If you want to be just friends, sure why not?

I give an online guy my number for him to call me last week, instead I get a text:

Hi, This is Mr. Text.  I just wanted to drop u a line and say hello.  Hope your day is going well, ttyl.

Seriously?  I mean, might as well continue emailing me if you are going to text me.  Sigh.  As you can tell, I just don't respond well to texts as initial form of phone conversation.  PICK UP THE PHONE!!!  This is an advice to all guys: we want to have a real conversation, hear your voice, so please dial the number, not text some stupid greeting.

Perhaps it's just me that feels this way because I was venting to a group of girlfriends and they said that's just how it is now.  More sigh~  I mean, really???

SO NOW, I either have to adapt to this new dating rule or continue to blow off guys that chooses to text over calling.  I am soooo annoyed.

Have you met someone who chooses to text over phone all the time?

Going the Distance

I really liked this movie.  It's funny, it's quirky, it's very fantasy!  I wanted to watch it thinking that perhaps I might get into a long distance relationship... and a friend of mine is also possibly going to venture into this front!

I've never been in a long distance relationship beyond an one hour drive so I really don't know how it really works.  If two people live on different coast it can be tough!  3 hour difference.  If I'm in LA, and he is let's say in NY... I get on the phone at 9pm, it's already 12am for them!  UGH.  I feel bad for the East Coaster more b/c they'd be staying up late just to have a late night chat. 

I've "talked" to people in different time zones and let me tell you, it's not easy.  Trying to catch them at the right time to chat... what a pain!  At the end of the day, IF that person is WORTH it I suppose we'd all venture such a duty... as of yet, I have not met someone worth that effort (which in ways is a blessing to me).  But who knows, I may be eating my words later....

Have you had a long distance relationship and did it work for you?

Mr. Hypothetical

It's fun to run across someone that is really interesting to talk to because they have so much to say. LOL.

So, Mr. Hypothetical loves to pose hypothetical questions and digress into details of the unknown.  He proclaims that he asks a lot of hypothetical questions because it helps him get to know how someone thinks, etc.  Our first conversation was a VERY interesting because we were talking about dreams, subconscious & the conscientious.  Then of course of about honesty, brutal vs. buffer.  I definitely feel like I'm very honest ... but in a sugar coat way.  I don't like to be mean or say things that doesn't need to be said per say.  Especially in a dating situation, I will tell someone that I am not interested by saying that "I did not feel a connection beyond friendship."  I won't straight up tell them WHY.   Because the WHY is very hurtful...such that they were too boring, too crude, too whatever. 

He had a lot to say in detail as he digress into one topic to the next, and many questions as he kept saying: "Okay so let me ask you this..."  followed up with a question that would continue the conversation for many more hours...

Due to so many digressions and such, it ended up being over a 3 hour conversation!!!  Some guys I talk to I can't wait to get off the phone, but he kept on and there really wasn't a moment to say "I gotta go."  It was really late and I was getting tired talking to Mr. H so at some points during the conversation I did zone out...and had to have him repeat himself.  Oooops!  He probably thought I was a ditz!  Haha.  But our talk was intriguing and deep enough that I did not mind being on the phone that long.

His phone ran out of battery which was the only reason I think we stopped talking... or it could have gone all night!  Eeek!  So I don't know what I think about him YET, but nonetheless a very interesting conversationalist.  He did mention how it was very easy to talk to me and I was very articulate.  I hate to hoot my own horn (ok not really), but this has been said to be many times that I'm a good conversationalist which he agreed and gave me a "gold star."   Lol. 

So today I get one gold star... now I'm going to shoot for 100 more!  =)

Have you ever had a conversation so interesting that you didn't think to get off the phone?

Preparing

At this point, let's all be realistic.  The "thing" with Mr. Young will not last.  I'm giving it 2 months top.  Why waste time if he isn't it?  But at the same time, can I tell in two months?  I was able to visit his place this past weekend to get a glimpse of who he is and where he comes from. This "glimpse" made me realize how far apart we really are in life stage.  Made me really sad to think about it all... but I have accept what is...that this has a very short life term.  Why is it that I always seem to meet that great person at the wrong TIME and PLACE?

---------------

Mr. Young: You are a 10 in my book. :)

Sigh.  Doesn't every girl want to be adored?  This is what he does to me... this is why it's hard for me to walk away.  He says the sweetest things and drives so far just to spend a little time with me...  =(

Cute Mr. Young

So, the meet to "talk."

First let me tell you about my very funny roommate.  I wasn't home yet from work and Mr. Young was waiting in his car outside so she kindly let him in.  It was her first time meeting him and this was their initial conversation.

Roommate: Ah...I can see now why my roommate likes you.
Mr. Young: Ummm....Why...?
Roommate: Because you are a cutie.
Mr. Young: ????

OMG.  My roommate is so funny!  Yes and very blunt.  I don't think I'd say it to someone's face, but maybe because she knew how young he was, she felt comfortable to say such a comment.  Or maybe it's just because that's just how my roommate is!  Mr. Young told me this very interesting dialogue and I am sure he was flattered & thoroughly amused at the same time.  Ayayaya.

Anyway, to the serious stuff.  It took me about a week to gather up my thoughts as to what I was going to say to him... and basically I laid it on THICK!  I told him all my reservations, concerns, and realities.  I wanted to scare him so that he knows this is serious stuff...and partial hope of scaring him off so that I won't have to deal with all this.

This is the summary of our talk:
Me: I can't promise you anything at this point and the way I see how things are now I don't see it working out.  I don't know if I can wait 2-3 years.  So I'm open to dating and getting to know each other better, but I am afraid that one or both of us will get hurt.  I don't think you really know what you are getting yourself into.  Can you really say that you are ready for the next step in life?  I have 5 years of experience ahead of you.  You would be sacrificing your youth, your freedom, and your own timeline.  There are added pressures that you would not deal with if you were not dating me (such as marriage, money, and time).  I'm sacrificing waiting for you to be where I am, and you'd be sacrificing your youth.  Sigh.  A lot of sacrifices to be made... is it worth it?  You would have to make some changes in your life that you didn't originally plan if you are really serious about pursuing me.  The fact that I'm 5 years older is serious!  I am afraid that even if it works out that I will have to wait 2-3 years... and not sure if I can right now.

Mr. Young: Your age doesn't bother me... and I've experienced enough.  There are plenty of people who marry younger and have kids.  I really like you from what I know of you now. I don't want to put a time frame, but I don't want to waste your time either.   I guess that's what we have figure out if it's worth it in the long run.   I realize that it is a risk we are taking.  Yes I know we can get hurt, but with risk there are also rewards. Without it, we will never know...

Sigh.  I just don't know why he decided that he wanted this now... and he said it's because he realized how much he missed me and liked me after 3 weeks without me.  More sigh~~~

Logically, rationally, and realistically... I just don't see it working out...b/c of our HUGE life stage difference.  BUT by chance, in the LONG shot it does, don't I deserve to find out???   If he is that person that can forever make me happy, shouldn't I try?   This is MY dilemma.  My rationality behind giving it a shot is that I'm not giving him commitment at this point.  It's open and I can technically date other people if I wanted.  But honestly, will I have time and energy to do that?  Probably not.  So... internally for myself I'm probably going to give myself 2-3 months...til I make a final decision.  This is a VERY tough spot I am in... and I really don't know how it's all going to pan out.  I'm scared, excited, but mostly anxious about the outcome...

Comeback continued...

So I was curious about why he wanted to see me. I guessed that he missed me and wanted to be friends. My friends thought he want more...wanting to date me again. Based on our last conversation, I didn't think that was possible. So my friend & I made a bet. It's the gambler in me- betting at every turn. LOL.

Come the weekend... he wanted to rollerblade... sounded so datish! I had a nervous feeling at the pit of my stomach like it was the first date again. After blading and grabbing a quick bite, he proceeded to have the "talk" with me.

I was shocked by all the words that came out of his mouth... like a bomb that hit me or more like a curve ball. Basically he poured his heart out saying how he missed me and how fortunate he felt to have met someone like me and that he wanted to try to make this relationship work if something fantastic can come out of it. I became numb in the mind as millions of thoughts were racing thru my mind. Basically, he didn't want to live with the what ifs and what could be's if we continued dating. I didn't expect this at all. I expected friendship or closure that he needed by seeing me again. Heart stopped. I was flattered but lost for words...

I quickly scrambled in my mind for words to speak ... to lay the "realities" of our situation. He was years behind in where I am in life. My life was all set for the next big chapter - finding Mr. Right and getting married. He was still working on his school & career. This was a disaster waiting to happen in terms of a timeline for a healthy progression in a relationship. He told me that I didn't have to answer him then that I could think about it. So I decided to think & pray...

The Comeback

So what do you do when a chapter of the book that you thought you closed decided to re-open itself again?

That's the situation that I was faced with one week ago. 4 weeks ago, I had the "talk" with Mr. Young. We had ended things because I couldn't offer commitment and he could not promise me a definite future. In essence, we were in completely different life stage. As much as I liked him and was attracted to him, I accepted that I had to move onto better potential prospects.

A few weeks passed where I did date other people, slowly I started to forget and move on. I had a few disappointments as the month passed... along the way thinking about him wondering... "what if?" What if I was younger... what if he was older...what if he had his shit together?

Then exactly 3 weeks, I get a phone call as my caller ID read: "Mr. Young." What the heck? I didn't know why he was calling when we agreed that it was over and that to avoid future hurts that we would not talk or see each other. I answered the call and it was as if things were the same... Same laughter, same jokes, same comfort. Then, he said that he wanted to see me...

Whaaaaaaaaaat??? Why???

15 Chapter to be Written...

I am going to start my posts with each of the "men" I've been dating or have dated b/c they make some great stories. Let me just start by saying that when I was 21, dating a long-term boyfriend of 4 years, that I would never imagine fast foward 10 years later, that I would have such crazy dating adventures as these...

Here are some interesting title of future blogs to look forward to:

1. Venice Boy - the perfect spring fling
2. Vegas Guy #1 - long distances, long time makes the heart grow fonder?
3. Vegas Guy #2 - too young, too raw, too soon, too poor
4. Perfect on Paper - Why force it?
5. The Drunk Reckless Guy - Unexpected douche bag
6. Need to know guy - Homework on a first date?
7. Getting lost - who makes a guy run on a 1st date except me?
8. Too friendly to be more
9. Really? Did you just ask me what type of underwear I wear?
10. Paying to get out (Lawyer guy)
11. Let us pray... Can you be too goody for me to like you?
12. Too poor to date
13. There is no such thing as a guy who doesn't want X!
14. Living the fantasy via text/email
15. The back-up Plan/ Guy

INTRO:

There is no perfect love, no perfect person, no perfect relationship...that is why I am calling this blog: the road to imperfect love.

For the past few months of singleness, I have been sharing with my friends my dating stories, horrors, and woos ~ they think it'd make a great blog, so here it goes. I even laugh at myself what messes I get myself into as I am in this journey called "dating." Thru this blog, I hope to uncover my own flaws, become a better writer, and also discover that person that God has prepared me to be for all these years.